Rejoicing Hope

The last week has been anything but easy. As visions and worries of what it truly meant to see a doctor that specializes in ovarian cancer set in, it became harder to not analyze every possible scenario the internet had to offer. Although the google certified doctor in me came to surface and worst case situations were recognized as possibilities, I kept my hope high.

Although the anxiety and worry had built up over the week I oddly felt very calm eternally as the specialist walked into the room. Almost immediately after he walked into the room we heard the words that we were all hoping to hear, “I highly doubt you have cancer.” I think the whole room and situation felt a lot lighter after those six words were stated.

Although everything he said is all educated theories until we actually go into surgery, we rejoice in the beam of hope that has been given.  He strongly believes that the mass within the cyst is either benign or a cyst growing within a cyst. Once he goes in, IF he feels he needs to send anything off to get tested further it will happen within the time of surgery.

As we continued to talk and I asked questions there were a few pieces of news that I was hoping to hear a different answer to. Considering the fact that I have had multiple laparoscopy surgeries before I was hoping that he would be able to do it the same way, with the pelvic area as my second choice. However due to the size of the cyst and the location neither are the best option. He will be making a vertical incision down by abdomen (hopefully only about 4 inches) with multiple draining sites below.

As we talked about how the ovary may or may not be able to be saved I asked if there was a possibility to save eggs from the ovary before he took it out and he said no. Due to the size of the cyst if the ovary needs to be taken out, it would be because the cyst has caused too much damage. However he is very hopeful that it will not get to that point.

Surgery is scheduled for Tuesday and I will be staying in the hospital for 2-3 days. Recover is projected to be 3-4 weeks if all goes well but is mostly based on how I feel. As we move into the next week of preparing for surgery, I know there are still a lot of unknown answers and but I choose to rejoice in the hope that he has in the situation. I choose to rejoice in the hope for the future. I choose to rest my soul in God and rejoice that hope comes from him.

When it Rains it Pours

Blank. As I stare at the blank screen trying to come up with the words to say I think about how ironic it is that the screen resembles my thoughts and feelings….. Everything is just blank. It feels as though my mind has a million different thoughts and worries but can’t think of anything at all at the same time.

To be honest I wasn’t sure I even wanted to write this post. Being in a vulnerable state with a lot of unknowns in our near future (say our because although it is my body it is effecting our family), I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to disclose. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the well wishes or answer to any questions but then I thought about why I started this blog and decided to continue to talk about all the things that are tough to talk about.

After I received Not the news I wanted to hear…. or he wanted to tell, my doctor wasted no time. I went into the office to go over the ultrasound Monday morning, just 4 days after the ultrasound. During the appointment he said that due to the size of cyst and some of the uncertainty of the ultrasound he wanted to run a few more test but he would be moving quickly and surgery would be the following week. He ordered a CA-125 blood test and a CT scan. He stated that once the results were back he would schedule the surgery because then he would know what surgery to preform. Although he was ordering additional testing it was explained that this was for precautionary measures because from what was showing up on the ultrasound there was not anything to be too concerned about.  Blood was drawn within minutes and sent to the lab and I was told that someone from the hospital would be in contact with me to schedule the CT scan.

By mid afternoon a nurse from his office called and stated that my doctor looked at my file after lunch and noticed that the hospital still had not scheduled the CT scan and he did not want too much time to go by.  He already scheduled my surgery for the following Tuesday and I was transferred to the hospital to schedule the CT scan directly.

Two days later I went in for the CT scan. I was positive and optimistic that things would be great. I even thought about the CT scan showing nothing to be worried about and the ultrasound was all off, Unaware that I was about to step in to a dazed dream for days to come.

A few hours later I received a call from my doctor to go over my results from the blood work and the CT scan. Right away I knew something was off. Not only does my doctor only call when there is information he personally wants to go over vs the nurse calling, I was told my doctor wouldn’t get my results for a few days and it had only been a few hours.

The CA-125 blood test measures the amount of cancer antigen 125 in the bloodstream. Cancer antigen 125 (CA-125) is a protein found in ovarian cancer cells. A normal range of CA-125 is 0-34, my results came back at a 99. He explained that although they are elevated the test does often show elevated levels for other reasons other than cancer and the cyst could be attributing to that.

As he went over the results from the CT scan he said that the CT scan did verify that the cyst was 23.5x21x11 cm. However it also detected a 5×5 cm nodule within the cyst that the ultrasound did not pick up. He said that the nodule itself could be benign and nothing to worry about but due to the combination of the two results he no longer felt comfortable preforming the surgery, was canceling my surgery and would like to send me to a specialist. In that moment my heart sunk. Honestly I didn’t pick up on his gentle way of saying it may be serious in that moment. My mind went straight to the comfort I find in him. He’s been there every step of the way and all I wanted was him to still be there.

As he kept talking about the specialist he was going to refer me too he talked about his qualifications and his trust in him how he would be able to do an amazing job with the surgery, how he could save my ovary better and know exactly how to treat anything if need be. He stated that his office would call me for a consultation before he preformed surgery and then I heard it. There is was. The dreaded C word. The specialist was at a cancer center.

Cancer.

I choked. When it rains if mother fucking pours! I’m going to a cancer doctor?!?! What the hell is going on?!? How did I get here? I went from excited to try to conceive this month again to making an appointment with a cancer doctor?!?!?

I will be sitting here lying  if said my first thought was to have faith.  I felt like shit! I felt like a shitty wife and a shitty mom, I had no answers but already I was feeling like they did not deserve nor should they have to be there while I go through this. As I have had time to process this a little more I dig deeper into his word and know that he is there. I choose to listen to the advise I gave S the other day “YOU are in control of your mood. Its your choice. You can be sad or upset but you also have the choice to change your mood and be happy” There is a song that I play for S everyday that makes me think of him. Today as we played it, it gave new meaning and through this difficult time I choose to live by the song. Have Faith, Hope, Love. Repeat.

Not the News I wanted to Hear…or He Wanted to Tell

I haven’t written in a while because I have been so busy adjusting to mommy life and trying to finish up my masters program. Yes mom life, if you haven’t heard already we do have a child in our care now.

SOOOO much has happened since I have last written that I will be writing multiple blog post to get caught up. With that being said there are many things that I will not be disclosing due to foster care laws and for the safety of our foster son and family, please respect the barriers that I place and wish not to discuss.

I know there is a lot that has happened in our journey of adoption and I will discuss that in future post but there also has been new information in our journey of conception. In the previous post,  Conception by the Grace of God…and modern Medicine, I stated that I started taking fertility medication in February.

On April 13, I went in for a follow up appointment. I had just finished my third cycle of 50mg of Clomid. As my fertile week approached my Doctor wanted me to come in the following week for an ultrasound. During the ultrasound they wanted to look at the ovary to see how it was responding to the medication and look at the follicles the ovary was producing. As I went into the ultrasound room 6 days later I was excited to see the follicles my ovary was producing and where it might lead during this month of trying to conceive. I was anticipating great news since other than some ovulation pain everything seemed to be going well, yet I was about to get news that I was completely not expecting nor was I prepared for.

Laying on the examination table as the cold gel and tool roll across my abdomen, I looked at the screen as the technician took stills of the images shown. I wasn’t sure what I was looking at exactly but having been in the position of having an ultrasound done multiple times before, I knew what to pay attention to so I could gauge if anything was wrong. In the past all technicians seem to give off the same clues, focusing on one area, taking a lot of images, their body language tenses up and they become quiet. This technician showed none of those clues I have experienced before.

Still anxious, she asked me questions, questions about my previous surgeries, how long I have been on the medication and how long my husband and I have been trying to conceive. As she asked me questions I stared at the screen, trying to look for any clues, good or bad, as to what I was looking at. Using the phrases she typed I tried to decode what the images were of since, to me, it just looked like a bunch of white and back blobs.

Just then she told me she was just about done and I would clean up and go to the bathroom as she was going to preform the vaginal ultrasound next and she had to talk to some other doctors about the ultrasound that were present since mine was out of the office preforming surgeries. She said “you have a pretty significant cyst that I want to run past the doctors”

As she said that I thought “really? I’ve had ‘pretty significant cyst’ in the past that were 9-10cm (about the size of a grapefruit) and I was in so much pain. It can’t be that big because I haven’t felt that kind of pain on a regular basis” Instead I said, “can you tell me the size of the cyst or do I have to wait to talk to the Doctor?” She looked at me and stated “Its 23.5cm in length” and continued to show me the cyst in comparison to the the uterus. As I tried to focus on what she was saying and showing me all I kept thinking was “23.5?!?!?! WTF! How? How can I not feel it right now? How is my body failing at what it should be doing? I’ve had multiple cyst in the past and I was told to never let a cyst get that large again. This one is almost 2.5x the size. How could I have let it get that large? I am failing to listen to my own body.”

During the next ultrasound she explained that due to the cyst being so large she was not  able to find my ovary nor was she able to see where it was connected to but considering my past assumed it was attached to my ovary. As I left she stated that the other doctors advised not do anything that would cause conception since pregnancy is not in the best interest of my body right now.  Since my appointment was so late I was not able to schedule an appointment. She wanted me to call the following day to get into see the doctor as soon as possible but if anything changed in my pain I should go the the ER right away!

As I sat there in my car bawling as I began diving off I became angry. I was angry at myself, angry at my body and yes, even angry with god. It had been almost 12 years since my last cyst, “why one now? Why can’t my body just do what it is suppose to do? Why have I failed to feel it or listen to the things I have felt and chucked it up to something else? Why am I being put through this for the 7th time? Come on God?!?! What the Hell!?!?!

Then I took a deep breath and reminded my self all the blessing he has given me. Out of every trial in my life beautiful things have happened and come out of it. It really is all in his plan. With the size this cyst is, it had to have been formed before I started the clomid and I thought about what a blessing it is that they were able to find this before I conceived! My trust is in Him.

The following day I received a call from my doctor.  As he went over my results from the ultra sound he verified everything that the technician had told me. He stated that he was comfortable with me keeping the Monday morning appointment, he was preforming surgeries most of the rest of the day. He also stated that the cyst was too large to turn to cut off blood circulation so he was ok with waiting over the weekend to see me but we would probably be moving fast because of how massive it is. He stated not only was it 23.5 cm in length it was 21 cm wide and 11 cm deep. In shock I said “so your are telling me that it is roughly 9x8x4 inches? That is not the news I wanted to hear coming out of this ultrasound!” He replied “I know kiddo, and its not the news I wanted to tell you. But we are going to go in and get this taken care of. I will do everything I can to ensure you are able to pick back up to start trying soon.”

My faith is in him, if he can save my life at 16 and has been able treat me as family for almost two decades I know I am in good hands.  And the hands of the lord. I do not know where this will take me on our journey of conception, but I do know that he has already laid out my path and will give me strength every step of the way through it. Thank you to all those that have continued to reach out about both our conception and adoption journey. Your support means a lot to us!