When it Rains it Pours

Blank. As I stare at the blank screen trying to come up with the words to say I think about how ironic it is that the screen resembles my thoughts and feelings….. Everything is just blank. It feels as though my mind has a million different thoughts and worries but can’t think of anything at all at the same time.

To be honest I wasn’t sure I even wanted to write this post. Being in a vulnerable state with a lot of unknowns in our near future (say our because although it is my body it is effecting our family), I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to disclose. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the well wishes or answer to any questions but then I thought about why I started this blog and decided to continue to talk about all the things that are tough to talk about.

After I received Not the news I wanted to hear…. or he wanted to tell, my doctor wasted no time. I went into the office to go over the ultrasound Monday morning, just 4 days after the ultrasound. During the appointment he said that due to the size of cyst and some of the uncertainty of the ultrasound he wanted to run a few more test but he would be moving quickly and surgery would be the following week. He ordered a CA-125 blood test and a CT scan. He stated that once the results were back he would schedule the surgery because then he would know what surgery to preform. Although he was ordering additional testing it was explained that this was for precautionary measures because from what was showing up on the ultrasound there was not anything to be too concerned about.  Blood was drawn within minutes and sent to the lab and I was told that someone from the hospital would be in contact with me to schedule the CT scan.

By mid afternoon a nurse from his office called and stated that my doctor looked at my file after lunch and noticed that the hospital still had not scheduled the CT scan and he did not want too much time to go by.  He already scheduled my surgery for the following Tuesday and I was transferred to the hospital to schedule the CT scan directly.

Two days later I went in for the CT scan. I was positive and optimistic that things would be great. I even thought about the CT scan showing nothing to be worried about and the ultrasound was all off, Unaware that I was about to step in to a dazed dream for days to come.

A few hours later I received a call from my doctor to go over my results from the blood work and the CT scan. Right away I knew something was off. Not only does my doctor only call when there is information he personally wants to go over vs the nurse calling, I was told my doctor wouldn’t get my results for a few days and it had only been a few hours.

The CA-125 blood test measures the amount of cancer antigen 125 in the bloodstream. Cancer antigen 125 (CA-125) is a protein found in ovarian cancer cells. A normal range of CA-125 is 0-34, my results came back at a 99. He explained that although they are elevated the test does often show elevated levels for other reasons other than cancer and the cyst could be attributing to that.

As he went over the results from the CT scan he said that the CT scan did verify that the cyst was 23.5x21x11 cm. However it also detected a 5×5 cm nodule within the cyst that the ultrasound did not pick up. He said that the nodule itself could be benign and nothing to worry about but due to the combination of the two results he no longer felt comfortable preforming the surgery, was canceling my surgery and would like to send me to a specialist. In that moment my heart sunk. Honestly I didn’t pick up on his gentle way of saying it may be serious in that moment. My mind went straight to the comfort I find in him. He’s been there every step of the way and all I wanted was him to still be there.

As he kept talking about the specialist he was going to refer me too he talked about his qualifications and his trust in him how he would be able to do an amazing job with the surgery, how he could save my ovary better and know exactly how to treat anything if need be. He stated that his office would call me for a consultation before he preformed surgery and then I heard it. There is was. The dreaded C word. The specialist was at a cancer center.

Cancer.

I choked. When it rains if mother fucking pours! I’m going to a cancer doctor?!?! What the hell is going on?!? How did I get here? I went from excited to try to conceive this month again to making an appointment with a cancer doctor?!?!?

I will be sitting here lying  if said my first thought was to have faith.  I felt like shit! I felt like a shitty wife and a shitty mom, I had no answers but already I was feeling like they did not deserve nor should they have to be there while I go through this. As I have had time to process this a little more I dig deeper into his word and know that he is there. I choose to listen to the advise I gave S the other day “YOU are in control of your mood. Its your choice. You can be sad or upset but you also have the choice to change your mood and be happy” There is a song that I play for S everyday that makes me think of him. Today as we played it, it gave new meaning and through this difficult time I choose to live by the song. Have Faith, Hope, Love. Repeat.